Episode 5

Rising Up From the Ashes of Addiction with Joseph DiRoma

In this episode of the Becoming the Big Me Podcast I have with me here today, Joseph DiRoma of The Successful Male. Joseph is a powerhouse business man, recovering addict, and all around amazing dude. He is trained in ontology, somatic disposition, emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal development and leadership. We dive deep into Joseph's story of addiction, how he's overcome, and where he is today.

Wanna connect with Joseph? Here are his links ⬇

thesuccessfulmale.com

josephdiroma@thesuccessfulmale.com

facebook.com/joseph.diroma

instagram.com/josephdiroma

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hi! I am your host Djemilah Birnie of www.becomingthebigme.com . I have been building businesses online since the age of 17. When I discovered the power that we hold within our own minds my world truly began to change.


I love to write and have published some books, some of them have even hit some charts 😲 You can check them out here http://bit.ly/djemilahbooks


Ready to start playing BIG and step into your Big Me potential by harnessing the power of your mind? Then make sure you join the free Rewire challenge to get all the tools you need! https://www.djemilah.com/rewirechallenge


Don't forget to check out the little lady's podcast "A Kid's Perspective" where she answers your questions on all of life's most pressing issues, in her eyes, a kid! http://bit.ly/akidsperspective


Let's Connect! #allthelinks ⬇


https://djemilah.com/

https://www.facebook.com/djemilah/


https://www.instagram.com/mimi.the.genie/


https://www.tiktok.com/@djemilah

Transcript
Speaker:

Alright. Welcome back to The becoming the big knee podcast.

Speaker:

solopreneurs. Saturday, I have Joseph here with me today. I'm

Speaker:

so excited to introduce Joseph to Joseph is a new field

Speaker:

certified coach trained in ontology, somatic disposition,

Speaker:

emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal

Speaker:

development and leadership. Joseph first discovered his

Speaker:

passion for people development, while leading teams and

Speaker:

operations in the hospitality industry. Being a product of

Speaker:

personal transformation himself, he wanted to provide support for

Speaker:

others to discover their potential and get at the

Speaker:

successful male Joseph is leading the way towards

Speaker:

developing a global community of men into better versions of

Speaker:

themselves, more purposeful, more confident, more motivated,

Speaker:

high character leaders to impact their families, communities, and

Speaker:

nations. Welcome, Joseph to the show. I'm so excited to have you

Speaker:

here.

Speaker:

Oh, thank you. That sounds I should have you read that more

Speaker:

often. For me, whenever I'm going anywhere, stopped at a red

Speaker:

light or anything, you know,

Speaker:

I'll be a personal introduction.

Speaker:

It's great.

Speaker:

So Joseph, so I met Joseph, very recently on an app called

Speaker:

clubhouse. And I resonated with Joseph's message so much as an

Speaker:

added and rising into purpose. And Joseph has struggled through

Speaker:

the addiction path as well. So I would just love it if we could

Speaker:

just dive headfirst into the deep end. And I'd love to hear

Speaker:

your background, Joseph.

Speaker:

Sure. Um, you know, I guess like most of us, I started, you know,

Speaker:

middle school, high school with a little dabble here and there

Speaker:

of getting involved with drugs and alcohol. And, you know, I

Speaker:

think the real catalyst for me was, you know, my, my

Speaker:

grandfather, passing away on my first day of high school and

Speaker:

dealing with my first real tragedy, right, like, dealing

Speaker:

with the first time ever in my life, that something so unfair,

Speaker:

and just that part of life that you just cannot even believe is

Speaker:

real or happening and you know, he was 70 was pancreatic cancer.

Speaker:

He was like a goddamn saint. I mean, because he met my

Speaker:

grandmother and, and left the seminary as a Catholic priest,

Speaker:

to go live a life with her, you know, and was always involved in

Speaker:

social work, and just a high character and high spiritual

Speaker:

man. And the, the the life chance happening that there is

Speaker:

all the time that tragedy of life, took him from us very

Speaker:

quickly, very abruptly, and robbed him of a lot of years and

Speaker:

a lot of my time with him and I took that on very selfishly. I

Speaker:

turned My back on God, I turned my back on all of my friends

Speaker:

that were positive in there. And I just went into a deep hole. I

Speaker:

had already been long before that started manipulation,

Speaker:

lying, cheating, stealing things like that. I mean, there was

Speaker:

times that I in sixth grade, I was grounded for six months, one

Speaker:

time in my room, and I just sat there and listened to music

Speaker:

every day, because this was before, TVs were in rooms and

Speaker:

all that, you know, so. But what that started is it is, you know,

Speaker:

I didn't have any way of coping with a lot of life that was

Speaker:

happening. I didn't know everything was just way too

Speaker:

bright, way too painful, just way too much life. And I didn't

Speaker:

want to exist. And, you know, I checked into a residential

Speaker:

psychiatric hospital because I wanted to take my own life, I

Speaker:

was self harming. And I'll never forget this I was in. I was in

Speaker:

the hospital as the second day. And one of my best friends, a

Speaker:

girl named crystal, she was just so amazing. We had such a great

Speaker:

relationship, great friendship, she made this humongous car, it

Speaker:

was like huge, right and had everyone in our entire ninth

Speaker:

grade class sign it. And she brought it to me and visited me.

Speaker:

And, and I'll never forget getting that card, opening it

Speaker:

and reading it. And really thinking in my mind, like, what

Speaker:

are these people talking about? how can how could they possibly

Speaker:

love me, when I hate me so much? How could this even, you know, I

Speaker:

didn't feel the love that they were trying to give me to just

Speaker:

lift me up, I wouldn't allow it to go in. So that really was the

Speaker:

big, big point for me, of just deep diving into everything I

Speaker:

can get my hands on externally, to fill this empty hole inside

Speaker:

of me to fill that void, you know, as we call it, the god

Speaker:

shaped hole. And I was on that path. You know, I was in

Speaker:

residential rehab at 16. You know, I got in trouble with the

Speaker:

law as a juvenile and then ate more times as an adult. And it

Speaker:

was just a constant constant. From the time I was probably 10

Speaker:

or 11 till I was 26 years old, constant trouble constant lying,

Speaker:

cheating, stealing, manipulating a lot of high times as well

Speaker:

where I would show up they just very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,

Speaker:

right as we call it, and you know, going through all that and

Speaker:

I didn't I wasn't someone that suffered from any deep traumatic

Speaker:

experiences, like a lot of our counterparts in recovery. You

Speaker:

know, with physical and sexual abuse, I had emotional abuse, I

Speaker:

had, you know, a father that wasn't there and dealing with

Speaker:

those abandonment issues and not feeling want you know, not

Speaker:

feeling love and and feeling like it's your fault. And I and

Speaker:

I dealt with all that. But the biggest hurdle that I had to get

Speaker:

over is being the perpetrator of injustice, not the victim of

Speaker:

injustice, right, I was the one that was hurting people. I was

Speaker:

the one that was objectifying and controlling and abusing

Speaker:

women. I was the one that was stealing from my family and my

Speaker:

friends and, and stealing cars and, and you know, doing all

Speaker:

these radical radical out of character behaviors as a result

Speaker:

of some some self centered resentment that the world owed

Speaker:

me something. And that, you know, if everyone didn't behave

Speaker:

as I wanted them to then I just couldn't live in this world. And

Speaker:

eventually,

Speaker:

you know,

Speaker:

I just I got tired man. I just got really tired and you know,

Speaker:

my mom and I lashed earlier last year we were kind of we were

Speaker:

digging out some old thing my mom like saved everything so we

Speaker:

were like going through a closet and had a shell he's papers from

Speaker:

Florida Department of Corrections and courthouses and

Speaker:

all this shit and I'm like, Mom, why? Why the hell did you ever

Speaker:

save this? There's a picture of an old you know, 35 millimeter

Speaker:

roll of film in there that she would take pictures and write

Speaker:

the date on it of me passed out in the front yard or, you know,

Speaker:

just when I'm in a blackout so like she could prove to me that

Speaker:

she wasn't Bullshit, and I was the one that was full of shit.

Speaker:

And so we're going through this and we calculated from the time

Speaker:

I was 14 until I got off probation last time after I

Speaker:

sobered up, around like 29. So I'm like 17 years, there was

Speaker:

only two years where I was an under supervision from Florida

Speaker:

State of Florida. You know, and yeah, that's a long time to let

Speaker:

other people run your life for you and tell you what to do.

Speaker:

And, again, the big thing was just and I think we talked about

Speaker:

this before the other day, like overcoming that, that mindset

Speaker:

that I'm the victim, or I'm not the maker of all this misery

Speaker:

that I'm going through, right. So everything really changed at

Speaker:

26.

Speaker:

I would like to touch on one thing a little bit, because I

Speaker:

know that so many people who have come from our background

Speaker:

get caught up in that shame and guilt, because you're talking

Speaker:

about the things that you did and, and I resonate with that a

Speaker:

lot too, because I stole from people I did, I manipulated

Speaker:

people, I was not a good, you know, a good person. And it took

Speaker:

me a long time to get out of that guilt and that shame. And

Speaker:

I, I would really like to ask, like, what was the biggest thing

Speaker:

for you to shift out of that space of living, even act like

Speaker:

after getting sober, of shifting out of that guilt, and that

Speaker:

shame of your past and all the things that you have done and

Speaker:

into the space where you are now where you are helping and

Speaker:

creating? I would like to touch you touch on that a little bit?

Speaker:

Yeah, absolutely. And I would say that there's three things

Speaker:

specifically, that I would I would, you know, answer that

Speaker:

question with the first one is, I think it's very important that

Speaker:

people make a clear distinction between the emotions of guilt

Speaker:

and shame. So shame is you have behaved in a manner that

Speaker:

society, or your culture, or your environment that you're in

Speaker:

has deemed morally wrong, right. So, like, if I go get a

Speaker:

prostitute today, and I get arrested for that, like,

Speaker:

Americans look at that as like, you're a POS, why are you doing

Speaker:

that, but I can go choose whatever women I want out of a

Speaker:

window and Thailand, and it's perfectly acceptable in their

Speaker:

culture. So there's a very clear distinction, within shame

Speaker:

itself, that it has to be representative of some sort of

Speaker:

soul cultural or societal, you know, moral fiber that has been

Speaker:

broken, right. So that's shame, right? And then guilt is

Speaker:

strictly internal. So that is breaking my own moral fiber, my

Speaker:

own moral code that I know, intrinsically, it is wrong, and

Speaker:

I behave in that way anyways, and I'm dealing with that all

Speaker:

myself, and no one ever even knows about it. Right? So

Speaker:

understanding that distinction, for me was very, very helpful,

Speaker:

and the language of how I talk to myself and how I feel about

Speaker:

things, right. Number two is, you know, I had to, I had to get

Speaker:

right, with those that I harmed. Right, and we call that making

Speaker:

amends. And some of them went really well. And it was a

Speaker:

spiritual experience. And then some of them were not so great,

Speaker:

and they still fucking hate me. And so be it, but I did my side

Speaker:

of the street and cleaned it up. And then some of them, it's just

Speaker:

the best thing I can do is to never talk to them again, unless

Speaker:

they reach out to me first, right? So you know, doing that

Speaker:

work, and going through that process of deeply connecting

Speaker:

with those I've harmed, and allowing them allowing them to

Speaker:

forgive me. And I say, allow them because me accepting that

Speaker:

they have forgiven me and not continue to guilt and shame

Speaker:

myself, right and not be filled with remorse. And also going

Speaker:

through the humility process of those that I harmed so badly

Speaker:

that they're still hurt 10 and 20 years later, right? So it's

Speaker:

important for me to be the receivership of their pain so

Speaker:

that I can maybe get an inclination of the magnitude of

Speaker:

what they feel of what I've done to them not to go and get beat

Speaker:

up with them consistently by a bad I'm not a doormat, but to

Speaker:

know that, hey, that's really how powerful we are as people

Speaker:

and if we don't treat others with love and kindness, right or

Speaker:

at least, be assertively disagreeable. Like, I don't have

Speaker:

to be a dick. Then you know, do that, right. And then the last

Speaker:

thing is, is

Speaker:

something very specific. And it's called re Beatty, rational

Speaker:

emotional behavioral therapy. And there's three self defeating

Speaker:

characteristics. There's anger, there's fear, and there's guilt.

Speaker:

Right? So anger is an it's all surrounding my negative self

Speaker:

talk that we have. And, and anger is should so shouldn't all

Speaker:

over everybody, right? Shouldn't all everybody, they should be

Speaker:

doing this, they should be doing that. That guy shouldn't have

Speaker:

pulled out in front of me, because, you know, he was

Speaker:

driving around all afternoon looking for Jota Roma, saying,

Speaker:

hey, fuck this guy, I'm gonna pull out in front of him today,

Speaker:

cuz he's just that important. And it's like, no, maybe he's in

Speaker:

a hurry. Maybe he's a dick. Maybe he has a pregnant wife in

Speaker:

the back that her water just broke? I don't know. But I'm

Speaker:

responsible for how to disturb I make myself with my own self

Speaker:

talk when I'm shooting all over everybody. The second one? And I

Speaker:

would say to shooting, you're just playing God because you're

Speaker:

not accepting reality. Right? The second is fear, which is

Speaker:

what if, you know, you'd be lying in your bed at night? And

Speaker:

all of a sudden, oh, what if this happened, and this and oh,

Speaker:

my God, and then this over here, and I'm living in the future and

Speaker:

oh, my God, all these next thing? You know, I'm like,

Speaker:

soaked in my bed sweating, and I haven't gone anywhere done

Speaker:

anything. And I've just totally gotten myself afraid for no

Speaker:

reason. Because just playing that what if game, you know, and

Speaker:

it's like, that's just not trusting God, right? Like, he

Speaker:

brought me this far to just drop me on my ass, I don't think so.

Speaker:

And then the last one, specifically, what we were

Speaker:

talking about is guilt. And that's should on self, I behaved

Speaker:

in a way that I'm now going to beat myself up time after time.

Speaker:

Because I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done

Speaker:

this. And the reality is, is I just need to accept the fact

Speaker:

that it happened, I did it. Right. And except my own

Speaker:

humanity, I'm a perfectly imperfect human being, and I'm

Speaker:

going to make a lot of mistakes. And that, you know, a problem is

Speaker:

just simply a human definition for an opportunity to grow. And

Speaker:

I need to accept my own humanity, I need to move back

Speaker:

into my natural state. And what happens is, is you take a week

Speaker:

or two and you mark down in your phone, right? What self talk is

Speaker:

constantly surfacing for you. And then once you learn what all

Speaker:

of those things surface for, you can begin to dispute those. And

Speaker:

then after a time, you just start disputing them more and

Speaker:

more toward just never happens. And you're constantly living in

Speaker:

our natural abundance space, where our higher power wants us

Speaker:

to be so that we can be maximum service to ourselves and those

Speaker:

around us.

Speaker:

Wow, that's so powerful. So I use a concept very similar to

Speaker:

that I call it stabbing holes in the dominating beliefs. So I

Speaker:

actually have my clients go through as well. It's just like

Speaker:

tracking what their what their automatic, dominating thoughts

Speaker:

and the automatic dominating thought is that initial thought

Speaker:

that comes instantly, right? It's not the other voice that

Speaker:

talks over it. It's the one that's just instantly because

Speaker:

that's how you discover what your true deepest seated

Speaker:

internal beliefs are. And I have people write them all down, and

Speaker:

then I literally have them stab holes in

Speaker:

Hell yeah, man,

Speaker:

like as a physical representation, because I feel

Speaker:

like a lot of this stuff like that we're talking about and

Speaker:

with the work that we both do, is can be so out here, right? It

Speaker:

could be so metaphysical and like Luffy, that people have a

Speaker:

hard time tangibly understanding it. So like, I love to do

Speaker:

exercises like that to kind of make the thoughts real right to

Speaker:

bring a reality to the thoughts. And do you do anything like

Speaker:

that? Like, I'm just curious, do you do any kind of like physical

Speaker:

representations? Or has it mostly just been the mental work

Speaker:

for you?

Speaker:

No,

Speaker:

no. I did have an image of how I it would be awesome to like,

Speaker:

hang it up on a target at the gun range. Yeah, that would be

Speaker:

pretty cool.

Speaker:

Yeah, I actually do I did. So I do it with my daughter as well,

Speaker:

whenever she's like, getting all crazy, like stuck energy is like

Speaker:

set up an area outside and we'll throw paint, right so paint and

Speaker:

we'll just like throw paint and I tell her to channel all of

Speaker:

that hate that you feel towards me. And it's such like that

Speaker:

physical release helps a lot of people who can't quite make like

Speaker:

the mental connection yet, just like in the mental space. Make

Speaker:

it real and tangible and bring it to reality. So I'd like to,

Speaker:

I'd like to kind of share a little bit more about what

Speaker:

you're doing now. Because we, like you've come from this place

Speaker:

that you were feeling all of these things. And the shift, you

Speaker:

shifted into a space where you're really helping people,

Speaker:

and you're really living in your purpose. And that's what

Speaker:

attracted me to you was knowing like seeing how solid you are in

Speaker:

your purpose, and seeing how that big massive shift? So I'd

Speaker:

love to hear a little bit about that.

Speaker:

Yeah, absolutely, I think the first thing that anyone has to

Speaker:

do is they have to define it, you have to define what the

Speaker:

purpose is of your for your life. And if you don't have one,

Speaker:

you can use mine because I spent a lot of time thinking about it.

Speaker:

And I wrote it down, and it's to grow and develop in the likeness

Speaker:

of my creator and be a service to my fellow man. Right. And by

Speaker:

man, I mean, man and woman, right man in general. So as soon

Speaker:

as you know, I clearly defined that for myself, you know, you

Speaker:

have a concentration, right? So I think a lot of times people

Speaker:

think about focus, right. But in order to focus, you have to have

Speaker:

concentration and clearly defining that then provides the

Speaker:

concentration of focus for you then to magnify the results and

Speaker:

have the impact that you wish to have in your life, right. And

Speaker:

it's important to understand that, in order to get clear on

Speaker:

that, you have to put everything away, you have to turn your

Speaker:

phone off, turn the TV off, put the Xbox controller down for 10

Speaker:

minutes, and just sit in a chair, sit on the edge of your

Speaker:

bed and get quiet real quick and and start to think with yourself

Speaker:

writer. For me, I sat down at a at a, you know, kitchen table

Speaker:

with a blank piece of paper and just wrote down with pen, what

Speaker:

is your purpose and then just sat there and kind of stared at

Speaker:

the paper until something surfaced for me. And and and

Speaker:

then I just made sure that day after day, I focus my intention

Speaker:

on aligning my behavior with that purpose. So to clearly

Speaker:

answer your question, as well, as you know, all of that stuff

Speaker:

that I went through all of the harm that I did, all of that

Speaker:

darkness, then becomes my greatest asset to be of maximum

Speaker:

service for those that are going through the same thing for two

Speaker:

different reasons. One, so that they know and understand.

Speaker:

They're not that special. We're all special. But you're not that

Speaker:

special in the sense that you're the only person in the world

Speaker:

that's ever gone through that stuff. And that if there's a

Speaker:

word for what you're how you're behaving in the dictionary, then

Speaker:

someone on the planet has already done it before. So

Speaker:

again, you're not that special. I think the second part of that

Speaker:

is, is you that also means you're not alone. And I think

Speaker:

one of the biggest things that is a driver of negative energy

Speaker:

negative thoughts is, you know, as we say we're only as sick as

Speaker:

our secrets is holding all of that stuff into ourselves. And,

Speaker:

and and then letting it just rot us from the inside out. Because

Speaker:

we're too full of guilt, shame and remorse, to share it with

Speaker:

anyone because if I opened up to you and showed you that that's

Speaker:

who I really was, then you wouldn't like me wouldn't love

Speaker:

me and you wouldn't want me around. Right? But in reality,

Speaker:

the instant that I share that deep dark secret with someone, I

Speaker:

get so much relief, so much relief, you know, I mean,

Speaker:

there's a reason why the Catholics invented, you know,

Speaker:

confession, so many, you know, what, 1000 years ago or some

Speaker:

hundreds hundreds of years ago, who knows they've been doing it

Speaker:

for a long, longer than I've been alive right. Now, the

Speaker:

biggest thing though, is, like I said, just taking the time to

Speaker:

get to know yourself and clearly defining it for yourself, and

Speaker:

then aligning your behavior to that.

Speaker:

So I know for a lot of people that can be really

Speaker:

uncomfortable, like we are used to spending time alone,

Speaker:

especially this past year, but most of us have never actually

Speaker:

spent true time alone. And by that I mean, minus the TV minus

Speaker:

the phone minus the podcast even or books even or any of the

Speaker:

other even if they're positive distractions, right. But any of

Speaker:

those other stimulus coming into our life and just complete

Speaker:

aloneness and for so many people, that can be such an

Speaker:

income uncomfortable thing I know it was for me. And as an

Speaker:

addict, I was always looking for, you know, ways to kind of

Speaker:

silence that or subdue that aloneness because it was so, so

Speaker:

uncomfortable. Did you experience that? And like, how

Speaker:

did you push the rule? That?

Speaker:

That's a great question. That's a great question. And I think

Speaker:

the key there is, like you said, US rationalizing, what's a good

Speaker:

distraction, and what's a bad distraction, and a distraction

Speaker:

is a distraction. Just like there's distress and use Stress,

Speaker:

Stress is stress. You know, I think all of us, now on this

Speaker:

side have felt the feelings of overwhelmed from having too many

Speaker:

blessings in our life, right. So. So what I would say is, is

Speaker:

that that's one of the main reasons that I got into coaching

Speaker:

and I got into people development that surfaced from

Speaker:

leading teams is because everyone doesn't have the

Speaker:

capacity, I feel to instinctively just look

Speaker:

intrinsically, and begin to explore everything that they

Speaker:

want in their life, you know, everyone hasn't been at the

Speaker:

depths of low level behavior, like we have, where we know what

Speaker:

it's like to feel a lot of a lot of pain, everyone hasn't

Speaker:

necessarily experienced that, right. Um, I would also say

Speaker:

that, you know, since they haven't done that, maybe they

Speaker:

aren't used to being uncomfortable all the time. You

Speaker:

know, so also, I mean, just subconsciously, we, we choose

Speaker:

survival and familiarity over everything. So if you're not

Speaker:

even awake to the subconscious, programming you have, then

Speaker:

you're not even going to even start to look at that, right? So

Speaker:

it takes leaders, it takes people in the community to kind

Speaker:

of shake people up a little bit, and say, Hey, have you ever

Speaker:

looked at this and, and just hold a mirror up to people, you

Speaker:

know, even if they're good people, even if they're great

Speaker:

high performers, everyone can always be better, and everyone

Speaker:

can always, you know, have things to work on. And, and I

Speaker:

know, for me, there was people throughout my life, even

Speaker:

throughout my sickest times, that always stood out as, as

Speaker:

people that I know, deeply cared for me, and challenged me to be

Speaker:

better, even when I was in the shit, you know. And so it's

Speaker:

like, Who do I want to be? Do I Do I want to be, you know, Mr.

Speaker:

lashbrook? You know, one of like, the three teachers that

Speaker:

made an impact on my life out of the, you know, what, 50 or so

Speaker:

that I had? Or, you know, do I want to be all the other

Speaker:

teachers? Right? Do I want to be the coach that deeply cares

Speaker:

about his players and, and tries to impact them more than just

Speaker:

making them a great soccer or football player? Do I want to,

Speaker:

you know, make them a better person. So when I started

Speaker:

thinking that way, with my teams, then, you know, the

Speaker:

conversations that you have with them are a little bit different.

Speaker:

You know, they're just a little bit different, because they can

Speaker:

feel that you care about their growth as a human being. And I

Speaker:

think all that, all that does is then provides a safe space for

Speaker:

them to maybe think and, and talk about things they never

Speaker:

really have before. Because someone believed in him that

Speaker:

much, and cared that much to maybe even just ask,

Speaker:

yeah, and, and on that note, like something that I've kind of

Speaker:

learned is that by sharing what I feel the most shame for is

Speaker:

like how we can actually make the greatest impact, like actual

Speaker:

impact with other human beings because so many other people

Speaker:

feel those same feelings, maybe it manifested in a different

Speaker:

kind of scenario. So when we can be open and vulnerable and

Speaker:

share, you know, our side of it, that helps show other people

Speaker:

that one, they can be open and vulnerable with us. And to their

Speaker:

like, you were saying they're not alone, but also just helps

Speaker:

show people that it doesn't really matter. Like that path

Speaker:

doesn't matter. Have you seen like you're very open and

Speaker:

vulnerable with your story? And do you resonate with that like

Speaker:

you like because you can make a greater actual impact like you

Speaker:

can, there's helping people, right, and then there's

Speaker:

impacting people.

Speaker:

Hmm.

Speaker:

Nice. Well, so That's really well said, I haven't heard it

Speaker:

said like that. I like that.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

Yeah. Now you're now you're blown me up here. All right,

Speaker:

great. Thank you for that. I would say that. You know, I

Speaker:

think all of us have have been in those situations where

Speaker:

someone says something you're like, Oh, yeah, man. Oh, yeah, I

Speaker:

felt that I've been there, you know, and you you're not the one

Speaker:

to say anything until someone else speaks up, and then three

Speaker:

more people agree. And then you're like, yeah, yeah, that's

Speaker:

me, too. Right? Yeah. I would say I'm someone that says the

Speaker:

things that everyone's thinking, but they really don't want to

Speaker:

talk about, you know, and you know, what, sometimes that leads

Speaker:

itself to some pretty nasty messages, some discomfort, some

Speaker:

people lashing out some and most of the time, it's overwhelmingly

Speaker:

people saying, Man, I'm so glad that you said that. I know, I

Speaker:

feel the exact same way. I'm so glad that you said that. Because

Speaker:

now I feel like I'm not so alone. And And the thing is, is

Speaker:

that I had a extremely large aha moment in 2018. And I was

Speaker:

already way far into my journey. And then I was doing some very

Speaker:

deep work in my ontology training. And, you know, I came

Speaker:

to the realization that no one on the planet has ever treated

Speaker:

me worse than I've treated myself and my own mind. So

Speaker:

anything that anyone Does, does or says, For the rest of my life

Speaker:

has no power over me, because I've already done it worse to

Speaker:

myself. And that's a fantastic realization, but also a very

Speaker:

empowering one. Because the instant that I share the things

Speaker:

that provided me the most shame, I now render that thing

Speaker:

powerless over me now, because it doesn't hold anything on me

Speaker:

because I'm open about it. Right? It's like, you know, and

Speaker:

that's the thing is, the fear of exposing that. Right is what

Speaker:

stops people from doing it. I would challenge this, I said,

Speaker:

I've been saying this on on all the podcasts and begin getting

Speaker:

on to and, and it's kind of just a next level of relation healthy

Speaker:

relationships, right. And that is, when someone calls you that

Speaker:

you care about. And they have a problem, deep fear, they're just

Speaker:

sharing openly with you stuff that they have going on. How

Speaker:

does it make you feel that they called you? Right? You feel

Speaker:

honored, you feel loved? You'd want to do nothing but help them

Speaker:

and you don't? You're not judging them, you're like,

Speaker:

You're not even thinking about judgment, right? And yet, it's

Speaker:

so arrogant of us to sit there and not be open with others with

Speaker:

people with where we're really at, and afford them the luxury

Speaker:

to let them love us and have a two way street relationship.

Speaker:

Right? That's absurd. That's arrogant, right? I need to go

Speaker:

out there and build healthy relationships with people. And

Speaker:

that means letting them be the hero. Sometimes, I don't always

Speaker:

have to be the savior for everyone, right. And if I can't

Speaker:

get to a place with people in my life to express my own humanity,

Speaker:

then we're not really building connections. And we're not deep,

Speaker:

deeply connecting at all. And I don't want to be a part of that.

Speaker:

I already have done that for a long time. You know? And guess

Speaker:

what? So now the people I ride with every single person in my

Speaker:

life, we have deep, meaningful conversations. When we talk, we

Speaker:

talk about real shit, we challenge one another to be

Speaker:

better. We call each other on our bullshit. And I always

Speaker:

always, always say I love you before I hang up the phone,

Speaker:

because I want people you know, like Kanye said, you know, got

Speaker:

to give people the road roses while they can still smell them.

Speaker:

It's like, what why don't I do that then? Like, why do we Why

Speaker:

do we always just wait like do it now? You know? And I think

Speaker:

for people like us, we do that more because we know somehow

Speaker:

we're on borrowed time already. You know, I'm saying like

Speaker:

wow, you just gave me like full body goosebumps and chills with

Speaker:

that, like I that resonates on such a deep and like speechless

Speaker:

level right here. Joseph like that's so powerful because

Speaker:

that's what people need and sometimes like to bring it back

Speaker:

to what you were talking about before like the mirror aspect.

Speaker:

those points those conversations that make us feel like the most

Speaker:

defensive or make us feel like the most angry. Typically like

Speaker:

that's because That hit a real note, right? That hit something

Speaker:

that you maybe don't haven't consciously figured out yet, but

Speaker:

your higher self knows, right. And that's why it makes you mad,

Speaker:

or that's what makes you upset at the other person. And that

Speaker:

just brings it back to what you said at the beginning of this

Speaker:

interview is, is the mirror aspect. And I think, you know,

Speaker:

being able to have those real and those tough conversations,

Speaker:

without feeling that anger towards the other person for

Speaker:

bringing it up, and it's okay, if you feel that anger for a

Speaker:

little bit, you know, sometimes, like, that happens to me,

Speaker:

sometimes I'll be like, yeah, screw you. And then I sit and

Speaker:

reflect and like, Oh, wait, screw me. But like being able to

Speaker:

have those open conversations where you can actually be real

Speaker:

with the people who you're around? I feel like that's one

Speaker:

of the biggest signs of growth is.

Speaker:

Yeah, absolutely. Growth and emotional intelligence. Yeah.

Speaker:

That's all it is, is, uh, you know, increasing your EQ.

Speaker:

Yeah. You know,

Speaker:

there's so many studies that show the most successful CEOs on

Speaker:

the planet have a higher EQ than they do IQ. And that, again,

Speaker:

it's one of those things where if I can get get to a place

Speaker:

where I can talk about everything in any anything with

Speaker:

anyone, you know, without getting rattled, it's a, you

Speaker:

know, that's a good spot. But again, I would say to that,

Speaker:

like, emotions are neither good or bad. They just are, it's just

Speaker:

a matter of, we're always at choice. And I need to pick and

Speaker:

choose what will serve me best to show up for myself and others

Speaker:

and what's needed. Sometimes it's very important for me to be

Speaker:

angry. If someone breaks into my house, it's important for me to

Speaker:

be angry, because I need to draw on that anger and that

Speaker:

adrenaline to get that perpetrator out of my house and

Speaker:

protect my family. You know, it doesn't serve me though, to keep

Speaker:

holding on to that for 10 weeks, because that person broke into

Speaker:

my house, you know what I'm saying? Like, because then that

Speaker:

that anger then turns into resentment. And, and and it's

Speaker:

like, no, that that doesn't serve me, right. So it's clearly

Speaker:

about choosing what emotion and how I'll show up. And that's

Speaker:

most important, and like we were talking about earlier, you know,

Speaker:

with the self talk, and taking physical action, like, one of

Speaker:

the things I do with my clients is, I asked them, how those

Speaker:

thoughts then show up in their body. Right? Like, is it like

Speaker:

your shoulders tight? Can you feel your temples throbbing, you

Speaker:

know, your nose heat up? You know, whatever it is? How does

Speaker:

those thoughts can manifest into emotions that then surface in

Speaker:

our body? And what does that feel like, right, because

Speaker:

there's some times where the body is in control. And like,

Speaker:

there's nothing at that point that unless you have an AI, high

Speaker:

EQ, and are in control your programming, that then the body

Speaker:

is going to take over and it's running the show, because it

Speaker:

needs those. It needs that cortisol, it needs that dopamine

Speaker:

from the from the mind in order to survive, because is addicted

Speaker:

to it, just like sugar, you know. And, again, if you can get

Speaker:

to that place, that level of awareness, and then you get to a

Speaker:

place where you're constantly choosing how you show up for

Speaker:

yourself and others. That's a powerful place to be, and you're

Speaker:

going to be of maximum service.

Speaker:

The funny thing about what you were just stating is like how

Speaker:

our thoughts influence our physiology. On that same token,

Speaker:

like our physiology can affect our thoughts like it's a highway

Speaker:

that goes both ways. And it's something that I teach my

Speaker:

daughter all the time is like where they're at right now. With

Speaker:

the past year, we've been really focusing on emotional

Speaker:

intelligence and just like how to navigate the changes, and

Speaker:

whenever she feels frustrated, like I really tried to focus on

Speaker:

like, Okay, what are those feelings? Like how does that

Speaker:

feel in your body like you, you get tense or like, when you feel

Speaker:

shame, like you tend to like curl up and you just like close

Speaker:

yourself off. And so what I do to help walk her through it

Speaker:

because she's so young, it's so easy for her to understand, just

Speaker:

like the physical aspect, but it Trent It's same thing as adults,

Speaker:

too, right? is, yeah, we're seeing ourselves too when we are

Speaker:

feeling small, forcing ourselves to literally open and just like

Speaker:

open up to the world, like do jumping jacks and get our body

Speaker:

moving in the way that our body would move when we're feeling

Speaker:

the way that we desire to feel. And kind of you because

Speaker:

sometimes our head it takes too much like we're too in our head

Speaker:

it takes too much to like think it through. But if we can just

Speaker:

embody that emotion that the desired emotion With our body,

Speaker:

it makes it easier to bridge that gap.

Speaker:

Yeah, absolutely. And the somatic disposition that you

Speaker:

speak of is called openness. You know, it's open energy, it's

Speaker:

receivership. And like you said, it's you know, a lot of people

Speaker:

when when we do that bodywork, it's their hands are, you know,

Speaker:

out by their side, you know, open and their shoulders are

Speaker:

back, and they're receiving welcoming, warm, right, very

Speaker:

backwards energy to be a receiver. And it's amazing how

Speaker:

just shifting your body can shift your thoughts. You know,

Speaker:

like, it's, uh, it's interesting. You know, a lot of

Speaker:

times I tell people, if you're in a bad spot, go drive around

Speaker:

in your car and sing your favorite song. Yeah, like, as

Speaker:

loud as you can, like, you're gonna feel better afterwards,

Speaker:

and it will suck at first or, you know, and it's cool to like,

Speaker:

when you, you know, just doing this work, I'm watching just how

Speaker:

how different cultures behave, and their mannerisms and all

Speaker:

that stuff. I was getting my haircut by my Barber, a mod,

Speaker:

he's an awesome. He's an awesome Pakistani guy, Pakistani and

Speaker:

guy, here in Tampa, and he always has like, Arabic movies

Speaker:

on, right. So the other day, I'm getting my haircut, and this

Speaker:

lady's like, you know, yelling at her husband. And to me, it

Speaker:

looked like, you know, she was very upset with him. And so I'm

Speaker:

like, I'm like a mod, what is What is she saying? He's like,

Speaker:

she is like, pouring her heart out to him, of like, how much he

Speaker:

loves him in that passion. But like, the, the, the body

Speaker:

language was very different than how we do it in the western

Speaker:

civilized civilization, you know what I mean? So it's like,

Speaker:

understanding and just paying attention to those distinctions,

Speaker:

right? Or, or like, even with animals, right, like, with my

Speaker:

dog, you know, it's like, I'll come up to her. And I always

Speaker:

joke around, you know, showing showing my son this stuff, you

Speaker:

know, I'm a, I'm a parent like you. And I'll come up to my dog

Speaker:

and oh, my God, how do y'all You're such a piece of shit, oh,

Speaker:

my God, you know, I'm like, talk down to her white with words.

Speaker:

But she only understands the loving body emotions, right? So

Speaker:

she's reacting and getting all happy. And my son thinks it's

Speaker:

the funniest thing on the planet, because, you know, I'm

Speaker:

saying all these terrible things to her, but she's reacting to my

Speaker:

body language. And the same is with people, men,

Speaker:

and tonality to like, you can say, a message and it can be

Speaker:

received 1000 different ways, just depending on the tonality

Speaker:

of how you say it.

Speaker:

Or on text.

Speaker:

I can't tell you how many situations I've gotten into

Speaker:

because of text.

Speaker:

Yeah, they're reading it with their eyes.

Speaker:

Exactly. That's why I now I send voice I do voice messages, like

Speaker:

voice memos all the time, because I was sick and tired of

Speaker:

dealing with the like, I'm like, No, I this is good. This is

Speaker:

positive. give to you. I'm sorry. Like,

Speaker:

that's a good call that I needed. I need to do that more

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

Yeah, and you know what? I do it on, like, when I connect with

Speaker:

new people, a lot of times like on Instagram or Facebook, I do

Speaker:

it there as well. I could just do a voice memo. Because like,

Speaker:

I'm a huge believer in energy transfer. And if we're through

Speaker:

the internet, we're in this digital age, like, How am I

Speaker:

supposed to transfer my energy into someone? Well, the best way

Speaker:

that I know how is through my voice is through using my voice

Speaker:

and pouring my love into others. And I can transfer that just

Speaker:

based on my tonality. And it's been massive as far as because

Speaker:

like, I would rather connect on an authentic level with a few

Speaker:

people a day, then, you know, automate everything and connect

Speaker:

with 1000 people a day, right? Like that's, that's how I feel

Speaker:

like I can make the biggest impact. And so it takes a little

Speaker:

bit more time. Actually, it doesn't, it takes less time, I

Speaker:

realized but but like people also just feel like they can

Speaker:

feel the care and individualized attention. Like you're not just

Speaker:

copying and pasting a message to them. And you say their name and

Speaker:

and you relate to them. And like that's how we can make such a

Speaker:

huge impact on the world. It's just by transferring our energy

Speaker:

and like you were saying earlier, like how you tell

Speaker:

everyone that you love them. It's like pouring that love

Speaker:

because people can feel that intention.

Speaker:

Yeah, I mean, you're spot on. Because I mean, I've been in the

Speaker:

hospitality industry for 15 years. So our whole job is

Speaker:

making people feel special. You know, that's all this just

Speaker:

deeply connecting with people. So I mean, over the years, I

Speaker:

can't tell you, you know, just like you said, How many times,

Speaker:

you know, guests in my restaurants have become good

Speaker:

friends and still talk to him this day. And, you know, it's

Speaker:

you just you never know, my restaurant that I single unit

Speaker:

that I ran for five years was about 15 or 16 minutes away from

Speaker:

Moffitt, which is one of the premier cancer hospitals in the

Speaker:

nation. So there was a lot of people that, you know, it's

Speaker:

their first or last or consistent, you know, trips to

Speaker:

all around the Tampa Bay area, they go there for their

Speaker:

chemotherapy and radiation. And the only thing they want to eat

Speaker:

is something that my restaurant then I have deep conversations

Speaker:

with them on, what they're going through, and I listen, and I'll

Speaker:

tell you a guess what, I did that for two whole years. And

Speaker:

then my mom got cancer. And I'm, I'm her healthcare surrogate,

Speaker:

and was driving her back and forth to her appointments. And I

Speaker:

can't tell you how many tips, how many strategies, how many

Speaker:

helpful hints I got from people that showed up telling me those

Speaker:

things that I was able to apply to my life and show up for my

Speaker:

mom and be there. And it totally made, it totally helped her

Speaker:

experience, because I took the time to connect with somebody

Speaker:

else that was going through that in my restaurant. And I think

Speaker:

that's the power of relationships and connection,

Speaker:

right is, like you said, they're going through this deep, dark

Speaker:

time, I show up that with them with openness and love and

Speaker:

attentive listening, they transfer that energy and those

Speaker:

feelings and, and those those hands and strategy and

Speaker:

experience onto me. And then I'm presented with an experience

Speaker:

where I can then go transfer that energy on to someone that I

Speaker:

love more than anyone and be of true service. And that's kind of

Speaker:

and then, you know, now it's it's you keep passing it around.

Speaker:

And that that for me is like you said, that's the difference

Speaker:

between what you say that's how you make an impact rather than

Speaker:

just showing up. Right?

Speaker:

The difference between helping people and impacting people.

Speaker:

Exactly. You know, and then those are things that I'll never

Speaker:

forget, you know?

Speaker:

And that's like, I mean, I believe that true happiness and

Speaker:

true fulfillment, is when we discover that our purpose lies

Speaker:

outside of us. Right? Like, it's not, it's not what can I get?

Speaker:

It's not how much money can I make, you know, How big can I

Speaker:

get? But when we realize when we shift it from, from the What can

Speaker:

I get to what can I give, and that's when everything changes,

Speaker:

not only will you find yourself in a better financial situation,

Speaker:

just based on the laws of the universe, but also you find

Speaker:

yourself actually happy.

Speaker:

Yeah, and the cool thing is, is if you stand close enough to

Speaker:

somebody face to face, you can see your reflection in their

Speaker:

eyes. Oh, that's the reason Yeah, I mean, in art, my

Speaker:

ontology training, we stood face to face with somebody for 20

Speaker:

minutes without talking. And and then we all went around the room

Speaker:

and shared five minutes each on our experience. And there was 40

Speaker:

of us, every single person, the pairs, they knew what the they

Speaker:

were having a conversation without ever talking. So it just

Speaker:

shows how deeply connected we really are. If we're open to it,

Speaker:

right. And that only happens by the reduction of me in the in

Speaker:

the addition of wheat.

Speaker:

I need to write some of these things down Joseph, I'm going to

Speaker:

put them I love to put quotes like all over everywhere because

Speaker:

I even if I don't consciously read it, my subconscious mind is

Speaker:

picking it up. And you dropped some bombs on me and I'm going

Speaker:

to be writing those down and those are going to be going in

Speaker:

my space because Wow, wow. Oh my god, I hope you guys can feel

Speaker:

this power from Joseph right now. He is an incredible human

Speaker:

being and Gosh, I could tell we could talk for days. about all

Speaker:

of this, like ever like I can't even believe that it's already

Speaker:

been almost an hour like how did that happen? But, Joseph, I know

Speaker:

that you have brought some value to our listeners here. And I

Speaker:

want to ask you, how can people connect with you further? How

Speaker:

can people further this conversation with you?

Speaker:

Yeah, thank you. Just my name Joseph de Roma, Facebook,

Speaker:

Instagram, as well as LinkedIn. I'm heavy on all those. You can

Speaker:

reach me at Joseph de Roma at the successful gmail.com If you

Speaker:

wish to email me, and our website is the successful

Speaker:

gmail.com. And that will showcase the full community of

Speaker:

ambitious successful men that were building our programs.

Speaker:

Hopefully, one day we'll get back to live events where men

Speaker:

can come and gather and have real conversations, meaningful

Speaker:

conversations, and, you know, we'll keep driving the pace to

Speaker:

to make men better to show up in their communities and families.

Speaker:

Beautiful, and you guys, I'm gonna put links to all of all of

Speaker:

Joseph's amazing things in the description below. So if you

Speaker:

would like to connect with him, make sure that you check the

Speaker:

description, connect with him. He's an amazing human being. And

Speaker:

I I just thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable

Speaker:

with us today. And seriously, like, I'm gonna have to go back

Speaker:

and listen to this like 100 times because there was just so

Speaker:

many gems that you just laid out in front of me and the way like

Speaker:

we are extremely similar in the way that we think. But the way

Speaker:

that we express ourselves is definitely different. So I

Speaker:

picked up on just so much from you. And I just want to pour

Speaker:

love back into you and just tell you how much I appreciate you

Speaker:

how happy I am that you're still here with us on this earth, able

Speaker:

to share your message and to continue to make an impact on

Speaker:

the world.

Speaker:

Oh, thank you for that. Yeah, I got a lot out of talking to you,

Speaker:

too. I I love hearing like you said different expressions of

Speaker:

the same principles because it just deeply resonates with with

Speaker:

me and helps me think differently and see things

Speaker:

differently. And that's that's that curiosity is the best.

Speaker:

Yeah. Awesome. Cool. All right. We are good to go here. I'm

Speaker:

going to make sure this recording saves

About the Podcast

Show artwork for The Becoming the Big Me Podcast
The Becoming the Big Me Podcast
Mind. Body. Business.

Listen for free